The report was due Tuesday. It arrived Thursday. Those are the facts.
But that’s rarely where our minds stop. Within seconds, we may be thinking, He doesn’t take deadlines seriously. I can’t rely on him. Here we go again. If I don’t stay on top of things, nothing gets done.
We’ve already moved from what happened to what we think it means. And that distinction matters more than it might seem.
Our Minds Fill in the Blanks
We don’t simply observe events. We interpret them.
Someone is quiet in a meeting, and we decide they’re disengaged. A colleague pushes back on an idea, and we hear resistance. An employee asks for help again, and we wonder why they can’t figure things out for themselves. A senior leader doesn’t respond to our email, and suddenly we’ve created a whole explanation for why.
Sometimes our interpretation is right. The employee really is disengaged. The colleague really does oppose the idea. The missed deadline really does reveal a pattern that needs to be addressed.
But sometimes we’re working with a story we haven’t tested yet. And once we believe that story, it starts shaping how we lead.
The Story Changes the Conversation
Imagine walking into the conversation thinking, “He doesn’t take deadlines seriously.”
You’re probably less curious. Maybe a little more impatient. You may already know what you’re going to say before the conversation begins.
Now compare that with: “The report was two days late. I need to understand what happened.”
Same missed deadline. Very different starting point.
The second approach doesn’t let anyone off the hook. You’re still the manager. The deadline still mattered, and accountability may still be necessary. You’ve simply left enough room to discover something you don’t know yet.
Maybe priorities were unclear. Maybe another project blew up. Maybe the employee managed their time poorly. Maybe they need more support. Or maybe, yes, they don’t take deadlines seriously.
The point isn’t to replace a negative story with a nicer one.
It’s to find out.
Try It With Something That’s Bothering You
Think of one person or situation at work that’s frustrating you right now. Before deciding what to do about it, run it through four questions:
1. What happened?
What are the observable facts? What could a camera have recorded?
2. What did I add?
What meaning, motive, judgment, or prediction have I attached to those facts?
3. What else could be true?
Not the most generous explanation or the most cynical one. What are a few other reasonable possibilities?
4. What do I need to find out?
What question could I ask before deciding I already understand what’s going on?
This doesn’t require a long period of introspection. Sometimes it takes thirty seconds. But those thirty seconds can change the conversation that follows.
See More Before You Do More
There are plenty of useful techniques for feedback, accountability, conflict, and difficult conversations. We use them too. But a great communication technique won’t necessarily save a conversation that begins with an unexamined assumption.
That’s part of what we mean by working from the inside out. Before deciding what to say or do, notice the story you’re bringing with you. Then get curious enough to test it.
You may discover your original interpretation was exactly right. Good—now you can act with greater clarity.
Or you may discover something you couldn’t see from inside your own story.
Because the story in your head may be right.
Good leadership gets curious before assuming the story is true.